Smokahontas

When we go to the bathroom, and look at the mirror, they’re like

And i’m like

(Source: pawwsome)

After crying my eyes bloodshot, the only people able to make me even forget for one second  how shitty my life is are the members of Super Junior…I owe them more than anyone can know…

Not to mention the fact that my friend thinks that Yesung and I were twins separated at birth…

I’m not afraid of my past, because without it I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Credit goes to the person who made this.

I know this is probably ridiculous of me, but I can’t keep it to myself any longer. For the past 3 years I’ve been in a deep depression; one that no matter what happened, I’d barely even be able to muster a fake smile. I have personal habits, which I will not discuss because only my parents know, and no one else. If anyone cares enough to try and support me, go ahead and message me and I’ll talk about it. Otherwise, it’s something that will bring me to tears in seconds. Also a bit of info, I barely ever cry. It’s just something I don’t do often.

Due to this fact my previous dreams were harshly shot down. I always wanted to be a singer, and if anyone cares to listen I’d be happy to sing for you. But due to my “personal habits” it would make this dream literally impossible for me. Even if I did work out constantly to perfect my image (which I would do whole-heartedly if there were even any little scrap of hope left for me). Anyone who knows me, can vouch for the fact that I put myself down more than anything. So the fact that I think that I have a decent singing voice, only goes to show how much I really do love to sing.

So therefore I went on to think of more “reasonable” and “realistic” goals for my future. Thus, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a doctor. I know, this seems a far stretch from singing and performing, but it’s not like I’m unintelligent either. I know I can be pretty clueless and ignorant sometimes, but I guess my right-brained abilities keep me on a firm track when it comes to my schooling.

My father was always strict when it came to my studies, and anything less than a 4.0 gpa was unacceptable to him. I gradually started to not care anymore, and my grades began to drop, along with my increasing depression. It came to a point where I was averaging a D in my Advanced Biology course as a senior, and I honestly couldn’t care less.

I could barely get myself out of bed in the morning, and almost every day I would get to my first period late. Sometimes I wouldn’t even make it to my first period at all. If anyone even reads this far, I’d be surprised. I wouldn’t even listen to myself either if I were the one reading this.

This is going to sound completely cliche of me, and I’m probably going to lose people with this next statement…But I can say strongly, that Korean Pop music has completely turned my life around for the better. Let me also add here that I’ve been playing the violin since the age of 5 and then taught myself viola 5 years ago, so music has always had an astronomical impact on my life.

The fact that one single music type could change my life, let me reiterate it for myself as well as whoever has read this far. I still don’t even believe it myself. I can finally walk around with a genuine smile on my face, and not be ashamed of who I am because of my “condition” or “personal habit”. I can finally feel like I belong on this Earth. That I deserve to live.

I’m not sure when exactly it occured, but my friend introduced me to the music and I’ve been hooked ever since. I’m still not quite sure how it pulled me out of my sickening depression; because that’s what it was doing, making me sick. It had such an emotional toll on me, that my organs began to literally shut down. I actually had my gallbladder removed because it stopped functioning during my junior year. I developed hypo-thyroidism, which in truth is genetic, but in addition to this my pancreas is equal to that of a 50 year-old. I’m only 18 years old.

I’ll stop complaining about my poor health, and continue with something that probably no one will read. But I needed to get it off my chest.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know if I can even be a doctor, because I faint at the sight of blood and needles. I’ve tried to get over this fact, and there have been many opportunities where I’ve been in contact with said objects, but for some reason it’s always the same. My head feels light, my eyes roll back into my head as I feel dizzy, and then I find out that I’ve passed out.

I’ve always liked writing, but in high school my literature teachers would always accuse me of plagiarism or having someone older than me write my papers. I actually almost had to take one of my teachers to court due to her false accusations, as plagiarism is a serious topic by law. So now I’m left wondering if I could possibly be an English Major. But what jobs really are in the market for English majors? Not many, I can tell you that.

I’m also taking Korean this semester in college, and let me tell you that it’s my favorite class by far. Not due to the fact that I’m learning the native language of my favorite music groups, but just because I find the language truly BEAUTIFUL. If there’s one language I’d want to speak for the remainder of my life, it would be Korean.

My parents are conservative. My father is a product manager for RIM (blackberry), and frequently travels to China due to his job. He literally called me from his hotel room last week to ask me how school is going. He also thinks that Korean is a dead language, and that I should learn Chinese instead. Truthfully? I’d love to learn every language out there if I could. Who knows, maybe I will someday.

If anyone has lasted this far into my post, I applaud and thank you. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I really want to live in South Korea and teach students English. It may seem like a silly dream, and I’m most likely going to get a lot of judgement over this, but it’s really something that I could see becoming a passion of mine.

But how would I tell my family, who is “so proud” of the fact that I want to be a doctor, that my path has changed? I literally stay up at night shaking over this fact. I know I’m weak, but it scares me that I could disappoint my family, who has done so much for me. Putting up with my “habit” being a major one of the things they have done so well for my sake.

If anyone has any bit of advice for me, I’d be honored to hear it.

kpop-confessions:

Normal people:

Me (kpopper):

“GARA MR. SIMPLE! Blow Your Mind! ttaega wat janha duryeo wo malgo…”